What's in a name, you say???

0515 am

"Uth bhaanc***d. We are late", said Avinash and kicked me. I woke up groggily and looked at my watch. I saw that it was only 430 am, so what the hell was Avinash talking about. Ok, so we were a little late, by a half hour, but we could still make it to the airport to catch the 7 am flight to IRMA.

I went to the washroom and after a little while, Avinash banged on the door, "Khol bhaanc***d. Late ho gayein hain hum".

0530 am

'Bhanc***d is such a nice word', I thought. It can be used in any sentence and yet, it doesnt change the context of the sentence. I came out and looked around me. Everything seemed hazy and slow. Only Avinash was on a roll, moving from here to there like the road runner cartoon. I couldnt make out why he was in such a hurry.

"Where is the cab. Call him and ask him why he is late?", I told Avinash

"He called six times around 345 am, and left. Its 530 now.", He replied.

"What?!!! Bhaanc***d. I was in the toilet for an hour?"

"Nahi bhaanc***d. We woke up fifteen minutes back. Now hurry.", he cursed

I picked up whatever stuff I could lay my hands on, changed into a pair of jeans, and rushed out with him in the lead.

0540 am

An hour and twenty minutes to go the flight. We came to the main road. An auto wasnt going to take us to the airport that fast. Luckily, an empty cab stopped by us and we got in.

"To the airport. Fast", we both shouted to the cab driver, and just to emphasis our point, "Bhaanch**d".

As we were driving towards the airport at a speed which was fast according to the driver, but still seemed slow to me, the events of the previous night came back to me in flashes. To celebrate our going to IRMA on an official trip to give a presentation, we had decided to bring a bottle of Blender's Pride, and some touching (snacks) items to go along with it. Around 3 am, both the liquor and touching got over, and all I kept thinking was we shouldnt fall asleep, we shouldnt fall asleep, we shouldnt fall.....zzzzzzzz.

0630 am

After paying the cab driver, we raced towards the check in counter. We thought we had made it, but were politely told that the flight was closed. Since, this was the second time I was missing a flight, it didnt come so much as a shock to me as it did to my friend who tried a lot to convince the people-who-think-they-are-the-PM-of-India behind the counter to let us in, but in vain.

0634 am

Losing the battle to the airlines, we decided to transfer our flight to the next available one which was leaving at 0930 am to Ahmedabad. With us was another man, Muhammad Quadir, who had missed his flight too.

To transfer the ticket, we had to cancel the previous ticket and book the next flight out. Muhammad and Avinash ran to the cancellation counter, while I made my way to the booking counter.

0636 am

The next flight out was a SpiceJet one leaving at 0930 am. I was told that there were only 3 seats left, and if we wanted to book them, we would have to do it asap. The tickets would cost us Rs. 3000 extra each. Since there was nothing to do about it, I handed him my credit card and told him to book two tickets. I filled up the application form and our tickets were booked.

0641 am

Avinash and Muhammad came to the booking counter. Our ticket was booked, and we started to make our way out to the lounge area. Muhammad was informed by the booking person that only one seat was available on the flight. He was handed the application form and asked to fill up soon since it was the last seat.

Muhammad looked a little dazed by the form, and requested me to fill it up.

"Sir, please hurry. The seat might get booked any minute now. Its the last one available on the flight", said the SpiceJet fellow.

The first question being name of the passenger, I wrote "Muhammad", but was a little confused by the spelling of Quadir. He told me to write "Q-U-A..."

"Sir", the booking person said, "The cost of the ticket has increased by Rs. 3000. It will now cost you Rs. 6000 more."

Muhammad let out a little sigh and muttered, 'Bhaanc***d', under his breath

We met another person who had missed his flight the previous night, and was waiting for the next one since the last 12 hours, but his is another story to tell. All in all, we swore never to get wasted again in life, or to tell you the truth, never to get wasted the night before a journey, bhaanch**d.

Ankanna

Oh man....its been like 3 months since I have visited my own blog. I got sick of it, I got tired of it, I did not know what to write. There were many people whom I wanted to curse and bad mouth, a million things going wrong with my life.....so I just drifted with the wind, floated with the waters, did not do anything to disturb the status quo. But now I think, its time to take charge of the situation, to grab THE MAN by the balls, and most important of all, not to throw in the towel just yet.

In other news, I was recently given my very own personal attender. I wished he was a female, but anyways. His name is Ankanna, and yes, he is a chenchu. He follows me around like the hutch network, which is kind of weird for me. It makes me feel like a total government babu. But finally, I can get the morning newspaper, and he also brings me food and other stuff. On the field trips, he carries around my notebook and a water bottle. I feel bad for the guy, but since he has nothing else to do, he wants me to give him some work or the other.

Happy new year, everybody......

PS: I have already broken all the resolution I made, but who gives a crap when one is staying in Sundipenta

Ho ho ho....and a (half) bottle of vodka

I got up this morning feeling somewhat different. Whether it was good different or bad different, I did not know. But something that I did or did not do yesterday night, affected me. I slept a lot better and I woke up a bit early. Actually, yesterday was the first night since a long time that I hadnt had alcohol. And no, it was not because I have suddenly decided to go sober or something. Its just that I was dead tired yesterday and just couldnt muster the energy to walk the 100 yards to my current favorite place in the whole world and buy a bottle of vodka.

Although I like the place, it just is not suitably located. It is barely a 100 m from my office and is in front of a bus stop which my office staff use during the evenings to board a bus back home. I scan around the entire perimeter, while going to buy a bottle, and if I find someone from my office who might recognize me, I move forward to the next shop to purchase maggi and curd. I hope that their curiosity turns to sympathy seeing their Project Manager purchase Maggi as his dinner and curd as his night dessert. If nobody is there, I go to the thekka and ask for a bottle of vodka. I keep glancing left and right and curse at the person behind the counter to hurry it up. But it always seems as if he is a person who has all the time in the world. I always give him 2 hundred notes, so that it becomes easier for him to subtract 180 bucks and return me the twenty rupees. But the damn idiot always uses a calculator to do this seemingly complicated subtraction. Then he counts the 2 hundred notes I have handed him, not once but twice. He looks at the calculator again to make sure. All this while my heart beats at 180 bpm, and I am sure I am going to have a stroke any second now. I just hope that nobody from my office comes and sees me standing at a wine shop and all their sympathy turns to disgust. The thekka walla, by this time has solved the complex algebra and has taken out two 10 rupee notes. He counts it twice too.....and finally hands over a half a bottle of vodka. "Am I supposed to carry this bottle in my hand, like a street bum, you asshole?", is what I want to shout at him, but out loud I say, "Okka plastic bag eeyandi" (give me a plastic bag). The handover of a plastic bag is again a 30 second procedure during which I again have to look over my shoulder twice hoping that I am not recognized by any of the people standing there. After all, I am Project Manager of ITDA Srisailam, who is purchasing vodka at a small thekka like a common drunkard.

But once I reach home and have taken the first gulp of the burning stuff, I attain nirvana and forget all my worries. It makes the whole ordeal, which I go through every night, worthwhile. hic

Rev-eeww meeting

Another review meeting has come upon me today. It feels just like last week that I managed to sit through one without falling asleep, and today the damn thing's upon me again. Actually, come to think of it, it was last week that a review meeting was conducted. I hate to sit through these meetings. I would rather be out on the field going in my car, with "On Govt duty, NREGS" printed on the number plate, looking at the poor souls walking or waiting for a bus to pick them up, passing me by, listening to songs chosen by my driver that appeal only to his aural senses.

But alas! These review meetings have now become a part and parcel of my job here. I have to write the agenda for these meetings a day before. And since the last 3-4 meetings, try as I may, I cant even think of enough points to make a one-page agenda (Font size - 12, spacing - 1.5). I also have to tie up the loose ends a day or two before, so that my boss does not get a chance to say his favorite line, "Why didnt you follow it up, Sudhir?".

Usually, the meeting which is supposed to begin at 11 am, begins at 1230. The staff, myself included, are more interested in looking at the clock rather than discussing about the fate of our beneficiaries. As expected, lunchtime come pretty soon. And off we go to a nearby restaurant, which would send any health inspector into a hundred year coma. The person who cleans our table with a dirty rag is the person who serves us food too. One hand holding his rag, another scratching his butt, he asks us for our order, in a tone, as if pitying the fact that we have to eat in such a restaurant. One should also take the care not to look at the floor below unless one wants to throw up. But I have stopped caring about such things. For me, one session of the meeting is over, and I have to deal with only one more.

The session after lunch is the toughest. I have to think about so many things to keep myself awake, that sometimes I wander off to my special place. The time goes by ever so slowly and all I can hope for is that the Sun god decides to call it a day early today. Once the NREGA and IKP (SERP's SHG movement), are over, I can sit back and relax while the health and education guys sweat it out. But somehow, everything gets linked with either of my two departments, and I am stirred from my siesta-with-eyes-open.

Oh, how I wish I was on a field visit today, or better yet, drunk and sleeping in my house today.

Musings of another PM

well.....i am having a writers' block.......nothing exciting is happening at my end except that i have recently purchased an ironing press and my clothes do not seem as wrinkled now as they looked earlier.....if I had been skinny, people might have even mistaken me for a chenchu tribal person....

This article has been written by my former neighbor in IRMA and current Project Manager of ITDA Eturnagaram, Kamal. He is the unfortunate reason I landed up in this job....

Tribal experience + ves and –ves of my Job…..!!!

Well, the inspiration to write about nature of my job came from a friend of mine whom I was telling about the nature of my job……

…I am presently in Bhadrachalam (AP) nursery, would stay here tonight…I have to see the quality of the plants.

“But you are neither agri nor horticulture graduate, how could u judge a plant’s quality”

but I am in gvt organisation and mind you I have a horticulture officer, who is supposed to come here to see the quality. I told her. Though it was 8 pm and he was on the way…I don’t know how my horticulture officer gained this expertise to check plant’s quality in the acute darkness.

She asked –“which plant”…

“Mango”. But“why only mangoes?” Because… these plants only can survive here…..ok…so “what is your work exactly?”

I said- Presently my job is to ensure that pitting for mango plants is done soon (this soon word has saved us in many horticulture plantation review meetings)…

Well, how much profit do you earn?

…And this was the question that penetrated my subconscious mind and I began to reflect upon the nature of my job and thought of writing this nonsense stuff.

I thought sudhir’s blog would be the right platform to express this nonsense and thankfully sudhir added this to his blog where there is a collection of nonsensical things.

..this might be of some interest for those inquisitive minds who want to know how we are living and how we are alive…or those who need some thought provocative stuff to rationalize their irrational choice( ask Sudhir).

My day usually starts at 8 am with a bang on my door and a few unknown telagu words…It’s the attender, who has come with tea. Despite my attempts (in Hindi) to tell him that he disturbs or rather annoys me, the same intensity continues while banging the door.

I have stopped taking south Indian breakfast here.(Even in IRMA I used to wake up late on Sundays) …I switch on TV and enjoy the tea… I feel lucky that monkeys haven’t pulled the wire the previous night as was done in the world cup football final match.

Before we move, one or two lines about my place- It is 110 km far from Warangal district, the place is Eturnagaram… don’t entangle yourself in pronunciation. I,too felt the same awkwardness in pronouncing the name first. Many a times the word “Garam” is enunciated and my creative visualization turns these thoughts into images…however, I don’t feel disheartened as Francis always stands by me. (His place is Rampa-choda-varam….and now he says RCwaram…what a creative style to hide an apparently …… name)

A single room has been given by my organisation (“Integrated tribal development agency”), a part of AP gvt tribal welfare department) which resembles like IRMA-ETDC room.

Well,having seen some promos of recently released movies in TV, and after pouring 3, 4 buckets of water on my body, I get ready for my office. The clock hits 11 but unlike many friends of mine, I am nonchalant. My office is as near to my room as was the distance between f block from Irma mess.

“Sahib aa gaye”…..”Good morning saar”….these words greet me. People give me the way. It seems they are not aware about my contract period, sometimes I think they consider me AP group 1 service employee…anyways, many sectoral officers prefer to come to office by car, as it is the common feeling if one comes by car, it elevates one’s status. However, the proximity of my room to my office renders car useless.

My cabin looks like a micro corporate room. A note book has been given to me by my office (money has not been reimbursed so far).

This lappy is smart enough to catchWi-Fi and I start reading e-newspapers in my office. Unlike other offices when most of us (tribal people) are in office, there is no work…I remind my office attendant about my pending salary or vehicle allowance. As usual he promises to solve it repu( tomorrow)….Those days when I don’t go office, usually four to five days in a week are such. I go for field visit….when and where, is decided by me….I take my vehicle and driver (gvt has given 2 vehicles.One jeep for rural type roads and other, Indica for pukka roads) and set in for my short journey.

I see myself in the front mirror of car and think, what a great respect this job has given me. If only I had been some more fleshy, it would have suited my personality (like shashikant)

But in my last visit to Hyderabad, I have discovered the way to become like Shashikant ...Now I don’t claim that I am a teetotaller… Shashikant has never admired me as much as he admired me when I sipped beer for the first time in “Hard rock café” last month.

But trying some beer here in Eturnagaram, is a risky proposition…think of a situation when people see that at 11 pm, one PM (program manager) is stealthily going to get some beer, it would run like a wild fire in my office... I don’t know how sudhir has managed his PR in Srisailam.

Distraction…so while moving in the car, it’s a great experience to zoom past forests ….99% of the journey time goes in listening to songs or eating sweet corns/drinking tea from stalls on the way.

Coming to my actual work, we have been given 2,3 responsibilities apart from NREGS work (20%) I see roadworks (30%) and horticulture works (50%). Later, two programs are in convergence with NREGs. I inspect the road with a team of technical persons to verify quality and talk to the contractors to speed up the execution of road works while maintaining quality. So as of now, I have been regarded as a positive catalyst to speed up the process and reach the target.

Having reached the habitations, I conduct a meeting with the village people and our discussion usually roams round the questions-why are you late in completing pitting or have you got the wages for this work? Did our officer visit the area? Show me the plantation site/road work, I want to see whether quality work has been done?

For me, usually 150, 200 km journey has become a common thing( it takes around 2 hrs. to reach to one side)…..

Unlike pure gvt deptts (10am-5 pm), generally all staff members remain in the office till 7pm. MY PO( the big boss of my organisation) remains till 8 or 8.30 in the night. I too don’t feel like going home early….there are people in the office….while in my room I am the only one person.

After coming backagain I thank the monkeys for not creating “khalal” in my entertainment…by then dinner is ready… an attender comes with tiffin, the food is being prepared in my POs kitchen…I watch a movie on HBO/ star movies and sleep with zero tension…we r the monopoly in the market no fear of targets. Amul people (esp. Goel ) might feel a bit jealous.

Two, three lizards that routinely come to catch some flies, also go for sleep as soon as I switch off the light at 1 Am.

2 reasons why one should not opt for the job like me..If you have insect phobia- lizards, mosquito, ants, frogs..( Neha left because of this ) and second if you haven’t lived alone…(Bhardwaj left )

We create much hoopla in Facebook…about salary. It’s true!!.we get salary after 15,20 days delay.

I am the only person here in Eturnagaram or rather in this entire Warangal district who knows no telagu, staying away from home, doesn’t like rice and is a vegetarian… everything is true.

But it is equally true that we are doing a great job in development administration…after all which organisation pays you 42 k for spending money on people?

Confucius says:- “choose a job you love so that you will never have to work a day in your life”… …I love this job, I never work a day for it interests me but…it’s also true that I amcounting my days..

Before I sign off, some more news from tribal people-

1. Shashikantpail has found a hope to continue in tribal deptt .He is falling in love with someone.

2. Sudhir’s parents are impressed by his achievements .They had lost hopes when even after M.tech, he couldn’t get a decent job.Sudhir is waiting for 5^th may 2013( 3 yrs in tribal and ticket to World bank).

3. Ghattu is prodigy in his family. His parents are happy that in this tender age, he earns more than 40k…he is soon to attain marriageable age for boys.

Thanks IRMA!!!!!

Yours

Kamal Kishor Pandey

Saas-bahu ka live episode

There are many memorable incidents one gets to see during field visits, and government meetings. Last week, I toured 350 km in one day visiting 14 villages. And let me tell you, in the morning, after breakfast, your heart might still beat for rural India and the poor beneficiaries. You might listen to them complain endlessly about the government not providing this and not providing that, but by the end of the day when your legs are tired from all the walking and your back hurts from sitting in a vehicle the entire day, you do not feel like listening to any more BS. And that’s what happens with me. By the time I reached the last village, I had stopped listening to all the begging and complaining. My mind started going off to my nice place. And that’s when it happened…..

An old woman was bitching about all the promises made by the government and still not delivering them, when, I guess her bahu, stepped in and took over the conversation. The old woman was aghast by at being cut off by her bahu like this. So she stepped behind her, and with her stick made mocking gestures as if she was going to hit her on the head. The bahu took no notice of this and continued her rambling, but the other villagers were enjoying this saas-bahu episode unfolding in front of them. The saas, encouraged by the attention she was getting, swung her stick back and this time with unimaginable speed swung it towards her bahu’s butt. But at the last moment she could not hold it back and the stick hit its mark with the magnificent force. The bahu was speechless and so were the saas and others. It looked as if the saas would have a stroke at that moment. Although, some of the villagers stood speechless, some others, having the sensitivity of a log of wood, burst out laughing. I could not laugh out loud because I am the Project Manager, but my drowsiness had completely vanished. I love these field visits…

Oh, and in the governing body meeting last week, an MLA advised a forest official that if the Forest Deptt has permission to build roads of only 2.5 km, and if a 10 km road is needed, then why doesn’t the Deptt build 4 such roads.

I love such moments (however chhote chhote they may be)…………but I hate my life……

Madam is coming.....

Tuesday came and tuesday went. All that was left with me was this stinging neck ache caused due to sleeping on the couch in the field office the previous night. "Madam is coming!! Madam is coming", was all I got to hear the entire last week. And it wasnt the good kind of coming.... It meant that she was going to come to our field office in Mannanur, District Mahbubnagar, Andhra Pradesh.

So, as expected, everyone was excited, right from the wage seeker to the press to the Project Officer. And because she was coming for a special review of NREGS, that meant that the burden of welcoming her and making arrangements for her visit would invariably land on my shoulders.

After reaching the field office, I made my way to the school meeting hall where the meeting would be conducted the next day. The hall was actually the dormitory of thirty 5th standard students who were made to sleep outside in the night because "Madam was coming...".

As for me, my accomodation for the night was the field office with a couch that killed my back during the night and a toilet worse than the ones in our prisons.

I was also told to arrange a chhota PA system. What turned out the next day morning were these humongous speakers which could blow apart the entire school building if set at the proper volume. The VIP meals for 'Madam', Project officer, and other important people (like myself) were worse than the meals arranged by the school cooks for the regular staff who seemed more content than the important people after lunch.

Finally, news came that THE Madam is not coming, some other Madam is coming. And everybody heaved a sigh of relief (some am sure, broke some pent up wind too). The meeting went off as usual with the people from Hyderabad accusing the field staff of working irresponsibly, while the field staff complaining to me that the people in Hyderabad do not perform their functions at time. Caught in the middle was me, the lonely Project Manager (who had not signed up for all this crap) only thinking about the night when I would get to sleep on my loving bed in Sundipenta..........