Can't wait to grow up.....

Wow....my last post was 2.5 years back. So many things have changed since then. I am married, have a daughter (in that order) and I have changed jobs. Time flies real fast man! I remember when I was a kid, I couldnt wait to grow up. Be like my parents with a job and money to spend. I would think that it was cool that adults can spend money without asking anybody for permission, while I would have to beg and make a puppy dog face to ask for 10 bucks.

This is what came up when I googled images of  Beggar with puppy dog face 

I would always discuss with my friends about how cool our parents have it. No school, no homework, no begging for money, no 7 PM curfew, nothing. One cannot stop growing up and before I knew it, I was sitting for the placements in IRMA looking forward to my first paycheck and independence from my parents regarding money.
But now that its been five years in the "grown up" world, I realize that life as an adult is much much worse than life as a child, and here's why:

1. Yearly reviews: I remember how I would try to hide my report card at the end of each year from my parents. It would feel like my whole world was going to collapse if my parents saw that the highest marks I obtained was in SUPW. I hated those report cards. My mom would show me an A+ which I scored in Prep class and say, "Kitna intelligent tha. Ab dekh. Awaragardi karta rahta hai". I hated those annual moments of Parent Teacher meetings getting appraised by my teachers. "He can score good, if only he concentrates more and talks less. Only if he studies more and plays less. Only if he works more and eats less and so on and so forth......"
But atleast, those appraisals would happen only for 12 years. But as an adult, you have to face these damn appraisals for 30-35 years. "You have performed well in this area, but in this particular area you have fared very badly. So, overall, you have not performed at all" Atleast as a child, your marks, or lack of them would not affect the economic situation of your household. But with inflation running like a rabbit and salary ambling along like a tortoise, the appraisals affect your economic situation.

Apply the same principle in salary increments, of course not with such high percentages

2. Homework: Why the hell did teachers give homework? Couldnt they finish the syllabus during school time. Doing my homework would eat into my Swat Cats, Ghostbusters, Batman time........basically sitting in front of the TV picking my nose time. In the age where friends were the only Google you had, someone would mention that in countries like USA and Greenland, children were not given any home work. In fact, children were spanked across their bums if they did not go out and play during the evening. We would sit during the lunch breaks and imagine living in such places. I couldnt wait to grow up and do away with all this homework shit once and for all.
And then these bastard computers were invented. Since the computers, laptops and internet have become common, there is no concept of offices and homes. You basically transport your ass from one place to another, but the function it performs remains the same - to sit on a chair while you type in reports and respond to emails. Yeaaaaaaah.....its a 3 day weekend - you would shout when you see the office holidays calender but basically it means you would be sitting at home doing home work for three days rather than going to the office.
Atleast your parents helped you out for doing your homework because they wouldnt want Sharmaji's son to score more than you in the exam whereas with the office homework you are on your own.

Like Sunny Deol taking on the whole pakistani army.........but you are no Sunny Deol

3. Money: This was the part for which I couldnt wait to grow up. Earning money and spending it on things that mattered in life. Like video games, cool drinks, patties, pizza, burger and movies. Hey, as a child thats all you want. Although my parents never refused to give me money, but I couldnt wait to become independent in terms of earning and spending money. Wouldnt it be great to dive in like Scrooge Mcduck every month into your bank account?

And then I realised what a trap it is. Spending money as an adult is as much an effort as it is earning it. By the time the salary is credited to your account, the Government already has bitten into it through the income tax department. Next comes the loan officers and the credit card departments and the EMI folks. They are as much happy at your salary being credited, or may be more, than you are. Then comes your investments and savings and retirement funds. So, basically what you started out with was a big juicy slice of pizza but what you end up with is a little something more than the outer crust with which you have to satisfy your hunger. 

Other kids watched porn for fantasy, I watched Maalamaal

4. Getting up and sleeping when I want: I remember that the most fun programs would start on TV after 9 PM. Like Aahat, Tahekikat and the 18+ certified movies on Star Movies. But everyday, I would have to finish my dinner by 9 and get into bed by 915. This was a rule which was unbroken as long as were did not go out of station and this continued till I was in 6th standard. Everyday I would go to bed with a pout on my face and begging my parents to let me watch TV for 10 more minutes.

Begging with a puppy dog face

Also, I would have to wake up at 545 AM in the morning, be it either summer or winter because our school bus would come at 630 AM sharp. I hated going to sleep early and getting up early was always a chore. I couldn't wait to grow up and sleep till 7 AM and wake up till 11 PM to watch TV (I know, I had very low ambitions).

But as an adult, it is twice as hard. You don't feel like sleeping even at 1 AM in the night and you don't feel like waking up even at 8 AM in the morning to go to office. The bed is such a magical place that if you are out of the bed you dont want to get on it, but once you are sleeping, you never want to get out of the bed.

                                 
But alas, humans are never meant to be satisfied. Now that I am an independent working adult, I cannot wait for retirement and old age to come when I can sleep when I want and get up when I want and basically park my ass in front of the TV and maybe even sleeping in front of it. But that another entry for another day. My dreams of a post-retirement life.

Half Marathon hai bhaiya......

I finished my second half marathon, thats 21 km biyatch, two weeks back, the Hyderabad Heritage Marathon 2012. And for 90% of you guys reading this post who would no doubt be smirking and saying "auto pakkad liya hoga saale ne", I have 9 words for you......................................"Come to my house and see the finisher's medal".

Anywaaaayj, I ran for myself to prove that even though I might have gained 15 kilos since my school age, I can still run baby. There are about 700 guys and gals running besides you, and God has made each one of us unique and special in our own ways, there are still a few groups of people who are present in each race, and they are:

1. The professional runner: This guy I usually do not get to see anytime during the run. He stands in front of everyone, and finishes ahead of everyone. By the time I finish half of the half marathon, matlab ki "pauva" marathon, he would have finished with the 21 kms and gone home, had beer and slept. I on the other hand, might be realizing the fact that you still have 55% of the course to finish, and might even develop the sudden urge to pee.

2. The "fast" runner: He is the kind of guy I get irritated about. The guy who thinks he can sprint intermediately and be able to finish ahead of the other "slow" runners. I am always reminded of the tortoise and the hare story because of this guy. He runs, stops, runs again, stops.....pants, gasps. Some of these people do get to finish the course, but others........just plain irritate me. Marathon bhaagne aaya hai, ya 100  metre dash......

3. The babe in shorts: In each of the marathon my strategy has been to find out that one girl runner who runs as fast, or as slow, as me and not to leave her side during the run. She is the one motivation factor which keeps me going. I run besides her, ahead of her, behind her (the best view), but sadly on both occasions they have finished ahead of me.

4. The senior runners: People sure are fitter than me. In both marathons, there were people who were easily twice my age, and were running twice as fast as me.....At their age, I would be happy if I can make the regular trips to the bathroom on my own.

5. The runners who finish behind me: This is the group I like most. Because they prove to me that there are people who are slower than me, and that I am not that bad. I have been lucky enough to finish as an average racer in both the marathons. But the point is that for the runners ahead of me, I lie in this category.

6. The topless guy: In every race, there are a few people who like to run topless. Sadly, they are all men. They usually start off wearing the normal tshirts, but when you see them during the race, the tshirts are tied around their waist. Looking at them, I wish I could also be able to run topless. But alas........

7. The guys in jeans/trousers: Who the hell runs 21 km/ 42 kms wearing jeans or trousers. Its usually these guys. The champus, running around wearing jeans, yammering and talking and looking as if they have come out to the park for a stroll. The irritating fact is they still complete the race, usually ahead of me, and do not look the least bit tired.

I dont yet know what prompted me and my friend to enter our first half marathon, but boy, when you reach that finish line, the feeling is indescribable.  I hit my runners' block at around the 15 km stretch. The pain I felt during the 15th to 17th km of the course was equivalent to nothing I had ever experienced. But the matter of ijjat lutna if I stop without completing the race kept me going.


Until the next marathon..........

Bas main points dikhade, baaki main khud likh lunga

Exactly 10 years ago, I was on my way along with my parents to join Haryana Engineering College (HEC), Jagadhri, Haryana as a first year student of Instrumentation and Control Engineering. Instrumentation and Control Engineering was a branch with "bahut sahi scope", it still is.
All I wished for on seeing my college was for it to get over as soon as possible. But at the end all I could think of was how fast time flies by when you have great company and friends who become more than your family. Aah......friends, your hostel mates, class mates, beer buddies, best friends, band buddies, the-know-who-i-have-a-crush friends.
My life would have been an empty can if not for the people I met in HEC, Jagadhri gaon, Yamunanagar zilla Haryana. They taught me how to live alone, curse, smile, have a sense of humour, and basically have fun in college.
Reminiscing about those four years always brings a smile to my face. A few memorable lines from those four years are:

1. "tu toh mera yaar hai" - This line is spoken usually after downing a few beers. Male camaraderie reaches a new high at this point, and suddenly its all bros before hoes. A few drinks later this line even gets changed to I love you yaar, especially by guys who have a crush on a girl and unable to tell her, but they still want to utter this sentence for the satisfaction of saying it to somebody.

2. "Abey woh sahi ladki nahi hai" - Fast friends look out for each other and the single bros look out for each other even more. No matter who the girl you have a crush on, if she does not reciprocate, these i-got-your-back friends would put her on the "nahi sahi" list. This list is basically a list of girls who are not worthy of your attention and for whom you are too talented and cool to be seen with. At the end of four years, you might even reach a point where every girl in your batch or college is not sahi. Except for the one who said yes to your friend.

3. "Ek second bike diyo" - Having one's conveyance is always good. But having friends who do not have their own, is a pain in one's carburetor. Frequently, you will hear this dialogue from a friend, or an acquaintance, asking you for your bike/scooter for just ek second, and you will have an expression on your face saying "bhe****d, ek second mein toh chaabi bhi nahi ghoomegi". But nevertheless you do give the bike, because lord knows when you might be on the other side of the road.

4. "Tune notes banayein hain?" - This line is sometimes said angrily, but most of the times its said with a relief like one feels when the power comes back on after a long power cut. Relief because all the while you had been bunking classes, or staring at that nahi sahi crush of yours across the room, your friend had thankfully either been making notes or jugaading them from some diligent student in the class. But 2 days before the exam, what more can you ask for.

5. "Is semester se pahle se padhai karenge bc" - The exams are over, the beers have been drunk and now the brainstorming for making a road map for the next semester begins. This line is told a minimum of 7 times during the course of years, and each time it is more earnest and from the heart than the previous time. But alas, it is just a noise brain makes, and you wish you hadnt said it aloud in front of your other friends, who immediately reply back with either laughter, or a "bc.....har baar yahi bolta hai.....bc".

6. "Bhai ke saath aise karega tu"/"Papa ke saath aise karega tu" - During the four years of college, each guy in the batch becomes your brother or father at least once. The first sentence here is mostly said by guys who are not your close friends and who are requesting a favor from you. You of course try to say no a couple of times, but in the end bow down to their "bhai ke saath aise karega tu" line. The second sentence is said by your close friends who demand, not request, a favor from you. You of course try to say no a couple of times, but in the end they snatch the money/bike keys/pen/toothpaste/note book from you while shouting "bc papa ke saath aise karega tu".

7. "10 minute mein utha diyo" - When its the regular semester, every one of us is an insomniac. We stay awake till 5 in the morning chatting online, on phone, smoke signals, and what not. But all this quota of sleep has to be finished during the exams. There are sure to be a few in the group, who nod off after reading the first two pages of the above mentioned notes. Their pet line "10 minute mein utha diyo", to which if you reply "Yes" they will fall asleep for two hours and then curse you for not waking them up. But if you say "No. You always do this during the exams", they usually say the papa ke saath aisa karega tu line, fall asleep and wake up after two hours cursing you.

8. "Oh bhanchod....." - One of the classic lines one learns in college, or today's children learn in school. It can be used when one is happy/angry/confused/drunk/bored/sad/urinating/playing/sleeping. Each of the above sentence usually begins with this one and ends with it. "Oh bhanchod, it is raining, bhanchod", "Oh bhanchod, tire mein hawa nahi hai, bhanchod", "Oh bhanchod, bhanchod chod gaya, bhanchod".

These are only a few lines which I can remember as I am writing this blog, but I am sure that there were many more. But my memory seems to be fading after 10 years.
I have also changed the outlook of my blog a little.....thanks for noticing. Its kind of more cheerful now, I hope. I also hope that I can change from the depressed, self loathing individual I used to be from inside. As in the words of Bob Dylan -

People are crazy, times are strange

I'm locked in tight, I'm out of range

I used to care, but things have changed

Maa ka phone

I literally have nothing to talk about with my parents. I swear. Its not like I dont want to (ok, at some level I would like to keep the conversations at a minimum), but its just that I dont have anything to talk about.
Everyday, as the sun sets over the western horizon, and I wake up from my afternoon nap (either at home, or at office), the mobile rings with the name "Maa Pyaari Maa" flashing on the screen. Everyday the same conversation follows, give or take a few monosyllables from my side:
Maa: How are you? Kya kar raha hai? Kahan hai?
Me: Theek hun
Mataji: Lunch kar liya? dinner bana liya? Kya khaya? Kya banaya? Maid aayi thi?
Me: Haan
Maa: Today was a very hectic day in office. I just finished my work. Walking home now. Your father did not come to pick me up. Bhalla aunty was on leave today. You remember her? Her son has found work in USA. He is earning $ 120 k. His parents are very happy. They are looking for a girl for him. He will be married by next year. When will you earn that much? When will you marry? Are you still going to continue in that dreadful job of yours?
Me: Yes
Maa: So what is new with you?
Me: Nothing
Maa: It is raining so much here. The streets are clogged. There are a lot of power cuts too. How is the weather there?
Me: Theek hai
Maa: What theek hai? Why dont you say anything? Bhatia aunty's daughter and Kumar uncle's son tell so many things to their parents. And you answer like a robot. Why dont you tell about your job, your house?
Me: Kya bataun?
Maa: You are just like your father (sob sob)........ you dont tell me anything (phone cut)

All this happens in perhaps a minute or two. Damn that Bhatia uncle's daughter and so-and-so's son. The conversation that my pyaari maa expects is more on the lines of:
Maa: How are you?
Me: Main theek hun. I was a little sore in the morning, but that may have been because I did not sleep in the correct position last night. Now I am ok. I was also confused about whether to wear my brown shirt or the blue one today for the meeting, but dont worry, I got that sorted out. I wore the black one.
Maa: What are you doing?
Me: I am in office right now, trying to make my typist understand the difference between "Your" and "You're".
Maa: Had your lunch? Did the maid come?
Me: Yes, I had three rotis and baigan sabzi. The maid came, I told her today that is she takes one more leave, I am going to cut her pay. I also made her clean the cobwebs. There were so many in the house. I also followed her around the house, so that she sweeps the floors properly.

Maa: Do you remember Bhalla aunty? Her son.......

Me: Who went to the US? Yes, I remember him.

Maa: He has got a salary of $120k.

Me: Wow, he was always intelligent and smart. Good for him. I hope he settles down now and gets married.

Maa: Yes, yes. He is going to get married. His parents are already looking for a girl for him.

Me: Oh, how lucky. I hope I get out of this dreadful place, so that I can get married soon too.

Maa: Dont worry. Chalo, I gotta go now.

Me: Ok, but please do call after you reach home. I will be waiting for your call.

Alas, as in other things in life, I have never met her expectations of a phone call either. The only time my conversation skills come vaguely close to the one described above are when I am drunk, and trying to hid the fact that I am drunk.

On the other hand, I am always ready to have a phone 'chat' with my "Pujya Pitaaji". Not that he calls that often, but sometimes "Maa Pyaari Maa" would have over the phone to him after failing to get suitable multisyllable responses from me, "Yeh loh. You talk to your dad. (sob sob) You both are alike. I have failed in my upbringing. Bhatia uncle's son.........", her voice would trail off and "Pujya Pitaaji" would take over.

Pitaaji: How are you? Ok, no?

Me: Yes. You

Pitaaji: Me too, ok.

Me: Ok

After that a long silence, where you could even hear a fly landing on the sofa cushion in the adjoining room, would ensue.

Pitaaji: Ok, take care

Me: Bye bye

Aaah......my dad totally gets me.

Gotta go now, the phone is ringing.

700 million KLPDs

Yeah, India won the world cup. We are world champions. The hotels and bars did good business. The streets were filled with the sounds of Indians yelling "Bharat Mata ki Jai",

"Na chahiye roti, kapda aur makaan,

Humein bus chahiye World cup aur Sri Lanka ki gaan* "

The entire country stayed up late into the night watching the cricketers kiss the world cup like they would never even kiss their wives. Every tax evader, rapist, murderer, conman, child molester, politician, was suddenly proud of being an Indian.

But where the hell was Poonam Pandey??? The only other Indian I wanted to see after the world cup was Poonam Pandey. I turned to every news channel, every sports channel and every tabloid channel, but alas, she had gone into hiding. In the run up to the Pakistan match, according to Poonam Pandey, her parents were really proud of her that she is doing something for the country. Tears welled up in my eyes reading about her proud parents. I wish I could do something my parents would be proud of, but all I am doing is wasting my life here in Sundipenta working with tribals.

I turned to India TV, the best on field news reporting channel and the only channel which shows news that matters to the common man, but all they could afford was Rakhi Sawant jiggling her 21st century scientific instruments to a song crooned by a reject of the Mika Singh band.

I only hope that Poonam Pandey keeps her end of the bargain, because the Boys (or Men) in Blue did not bleed for nothing. A nation awaits you, Poonam Pandey, please do not disappoint your nation, your friends, your family and me........

Shaadi Waadi

Life moves fast, I mean really fast, I mean really really really fast. Just yesterday (actually 20 years ago), I was hanging onto my father's shirt for dear life when he had dropped me off at school on my first day. I remember sitting in the last seat and crying all through the day. I remember how five years later, I was trying to learn judo during my summer vacations and got so badly beaten up in the first tournament that I ran to my mother in front of all the spectators and contestants. I remember how yucky we used to feel if we had to talk to a girl, or worse, the teacher would make us sit with one.

Four years later, I would be staying up all night during the board exams preparation time to watch the Playboy channel on a channel, TB6 Mokba, which was to be banned by Sushma Swaraj after a month or so. I remember how my stomach was doing somersaults while I was waiting for the XII board exam results. I remember so many things, that its hard to believe they happened years ago.

As one approaches one's death, each new stage of life comes faster than the previous ones. Last Saturday, a new phase of my life begun, trying to find a girl for marriage.

Although I had told my parents I wasnt very interested (key word is very) in meeting someone, they had fixed up a meeting with the girl's parents this weekend. After a hectic day in a meeting discussing about chenchus and NREGS, I was not at all enthusiastic about going to someone's house and talking to their girl. But we went, the five of us, me, my parents, my uncle and aunt.

I was very apprehensive of how the meeting would go, but I guess its somewhat easier on the guy and his family than the girl's.

So, we went and we met. I couldnt keep smiling and had to bite my lip to keep from openly laughing. The reason was the conversation being carried out between our families. It was on all the topics one can find under the sun. From language to telengana to religion to politics to cricket to the origins of the recipe for sambhar. And then when the girl walked in, all the conversations stopped. It was like the aftermath of the hiroshima bomb...dead silence. I wondered why it was that way. The men started looking at the tv showing the match between Sri Lanka and Pakistan. The women were looking at each other. The girl was looking at her sister, I was looking at her sister.

I waited for a while hoping that somebody would tell us to talk alone if we wanted to, but nobody was willing to take the initiative. After about 10 minutes, my uncle leaned towards me and whispered, "If you two want to talk alone, you can take her outside." He reminded me of the shady dealers who used to approach you whispering "blue film, blue film" in palika bazaar.

I told him, "Of course. How can I talk to her in front of so many people?"

"Yes, you are right. You two go out to the balcony" Saying this, he just went back to watching the match.

I waited there, hoping that my uncle would do something, but he seemed to think that his part was over. Hence, I stood up. I could not wait any longer for it to end and for me to eat. I took her aside and we talked for close to 45 minutes. Near the end, I thought I heard my mom saying, "Looks like they have really hit it off". I had to do something so that the girl would reject me and not the other way around. Actually, I think she had already rejected me, but anyways just to be on the safe side, I told her about my drinking problem, my mood swings, and the occasional doping (subject to availability of the material). I also told her I hate going to temples, and doing poojas and all.

While leaving their home, her brother asked me for my number so that they could be in touch, to which the girl replied that its of no use since I stay in Srisailam. I smiled as I realized my work was done.

The strange part was that on our way back home, nobody in the car asked me about what I felt. The silence on the topic felt as if I had just been diagnosed with cancer. Again I had to take the initiative and I said that I did not like the girl, case closed.

Mummy, papa aur main

My house is worse than a pig sty. And I am living worse than a pig. No other human on the planet keeps his house this way. Look at all the cob webs, has the wash basin ever been cleaned? Why are there empty plastic bags, why are there only two spoons in the entire house, why is there only one cup for coffee? What will your uncles and aunts say when they visit your house, why dont you marry someone nice, she will take care of you.............

This is a sample of questions which were fired at me as soon as mom entered my house yesterday in Sundipenta. I looked pleadingly at dad to help me out, but he was already moving towards the refrigerator, "Why isnt there any cold water?".

Its only been two days, but I have made around 100 trips to the market to purchase some item or the other. Its only been two days, but I cleaned up all the cobwebs. Its only been two days, but I miss going to the wine shop. Its only been two days, but all our conversations have dried up.

Ok, I sound too much like a child hating his parents, but it isnt like that. I love them, but only when there is a buffer zone (like Sienfeld said). I have a certain way of living my life, ok, I dont take food at regular timings, I dont clean my shirt before wearing it a fifth time, I dont keep following my maid around giving instructions, I eat, sleep and drink on the floor.....but its my life. Its my life at Sundipenta.......

And over the previous few days, I am regularly going to sleep at 10 pm (my usual timing is around 3 am), just so that the day is counted off. Suddenly office seems a cheerier place to spend my time in.