Everyday, as the sun sets over the western horizon, and I wake up from my afternoon nap (either at home, or at office), the mobile rings with the name "Maa Pyaari Maa" flashing on the screen. Everyday the same conversation follows, give or take a few monosyllables from my side:
Maa: How are you? Kya kar raha hai? Kahan hai?
Me: Theek hun
Mataji: Lunch kar liya? dinner bana liya? Kya khaya? Kya banaya? Maid aayi thi?
Me: Haan
Maa: Today was a very hectic day in office. I just finished my work. Walking home now. Your father did not come to pick me up. Bhalla aunty was on leave today. You remember her? Her son has found work in USA. He is earning $ 120 k. His parents are very happy. They are looking for a girl for him. He will be married by next year. When will you earn that much? When will you marry? Are you still going to continue in that dreadful job of yours?
Me: Yes
Maa: So what is new with you?
Me: Nothing
Maa: It is raining so much here. The streets are clogged. There are a lot of power cuts too. How is the weather there?
Me: Theek hai
Maa: What theek hai? Why dont you say anything? Bhatia aunty's daughter and Kumar uncle's son tell so many things to their parents. And you answer like a robot. Why dont you tell about your job, your house?
Me: Kya bataun?
Maa: You are just like your father (sob sob)
All this happens in perhaps a minute or two. Damn that Bhatia uncle's daughter and so-and-so's son. The conversation that my pyaari maa expects is more on the lines of:
Maa: How are you?
Me: Main theek hun. I was a little sore in the morning, but that may have been because I did not sleep in the correct position last night. Now I am ok. I was also confused about whether to wear my brown shirt or the blue one today for the meeting, but dont worry, I got that sorted out. I wore the black one.
Maa: What are you doing?
Me: I am in office right now, trying to make my typist understand the difference between "Your" and "You're".
Maa: Had your lunch? Did the maid come?
Me: Yes, I had three rotis and baigan sabzi. The maid came, I told her today that is she takes one more leave, I am going to cut her pay. I also made her clean the cobwebs. There were so many in the house. I also followed her around the house, so that she sweeps the floors properly.
Me: Who went to the US? Yes, I remember him.
Maa: He has got a salary of $120k.
Me: Wow, he was always intelligent and smart. Good for him. I hope he settles down now and gets married.
Maa: Yes, yes. He is going to get married. His parents are already looking for a girl for him.
Me: Oh, how lucky. I hope I get out of this dreadful place, so that I can get married soon too.
Maa: Dont worry. Chalo, I gotta go now.
Me: Ok, but please do call after you reach home. I will be waiting for your call.
Alas, as in other things in life, I have never met her expectations of a phone call either. The only time my conversation skills come vaguely close to the one described above are when I am drunk, and trying to hid the fact that I am drunk.
On the other hand, I am always ready to have a phone 'chat' with my "Pujya Pitaaji". Not that he calls that often, but sometimes "Maa Pyaari Maa" would have over the phone to him after failing to get suitable multisyllable responses from me, "Yeh loh. You talk to your dad. (sob sob) You both are alike. I have failed in my upbringing. Bhatia uncle's son.........", her voice would trail off and "Pujya Pitaaji" would take over.
Pitaaji: How are you? Ok, no?
Me: Yes. You
Pitaaji: Me too, ok.
Me: Ok
After that a long silence, where you could even hear a fly landing on the sofa cushion in the adjoining room, would ensue.
Pitaaji: Ok, take care
Me: Bye bye
Aaah......my dad totally gets me.
Gotta go now, the phone is ringing.
