Drifting

Oh, Life, you are not much dear to me,

Have always been a pain in my neck

Never did you introduce me to Lady Luck,

But you always remember me,

When you needed somebody to fuck,

Traveller of a path that is dark and weary,

In the end, I only hope,

That Death would be a much better friend

I was surfing around the internet (what a wonderful creation it is) and I came across this site, www.death-clock.org, which tells you when you are going to die and be invited to the eternal rave party in Heaven or be eternally fried in Hell.

Why does one visit this site anyway and not only that, why is it one of the most popular sites in the world. Maybe people want to know when they are going to die, so that they can live each day to the fullest, like those good old lifestyle gurus preach on television. Gurus who preach that each day is a gift from God, a present, each moment is to be cherished, even the moment that might come when you have to pass out you kidney stones.......yeah, cherish that moment too, because as the good Guru preaches, it might not come back again and you are surely going to miss the moment when it is gone. So, yeah, cherish it. Gurus, who live in houses worth crores, drive around in cars as expensive as the houses they live in, are surrounded by women who can be substitutes for viagra, are supposed to give great advice.

I also sometimes wonder why science is spending millions of dollars on extending the average of man. India TV recently aired a programme about Super-Humans, that by the year 3000, man's average age would be around 150 years. "Ab aap aur aapke dada, dadi, nana, nani, sab jeeyenge 150 saal", yelled the anchorman.

On the one hand, scientists tell us that the world is going to run out of fuel soon, that there would be no women left due to infanticides, that there is going to be a shortage of food, that the sea levels would rise and there would be no place to live, , while on the other hand, they would like to make it such that we can live longer. Why? So we can view a real life screening of the movie 2012 before our very eyes?

I would like to die early, in fact, the sooner, the better. Life is not very valuable when you are purposeless, when you are like a feather caught in the wind drifting from one place to another, when the talent that everybody supposedly has is dormant inside you and no matter how hard you try, it just wouldn't show it's face. There are many things I would like to do before I die; I would like to travel around the world (Amsterdam especially), have a lap dance in Las Vegas, drive a Rolls Royce, fly in a private jet, go to a concert in Hyde Park, make my parents proud....naah, forget the last one.

As each year passes (with amazing speed), death approaches near. And this picture on the side reminds me that I still have 15330 days to live. 15330 days of brushing my teeth, wiping my ass, going to work, interacting with people I don't want to, facing failure, turning out the lights before going to bed and hoping that the next day would be better than the one gone by.

But as someone wisely said, 'Live in the present, because the future can only get worse'. Peace.....

My friend (part 1)

Life pretty much sucks when you have nobody to call your own. Please don't say "But you have a loving family, close friends". Yeah....right. That's why the greatest books and movies ever made are about a guy growing up in a family, spending his young adulthood with the same family and dying with the same family, right? Anyways, this post is not about me. It's about a close friend and millions of guys like him trying to do everything to impress someone and then falling flat on their faces.

Wanting to initiate conversation with a girl, my friend asked me for help. Stupid him, right? Of all the people in the world, he asked me. Someone who has never had any luck with a girl, has always been 'just a friend' to someone and pretty much is on the path to taking up chastity. Anyways, just to help him out I wrote a couple of poems, few of which are written below.

'Oh, what a beautiful morning'

The morning rays were wonderful,

My teeth were brushed, and my face was washed,

The milk was boiling, but, something was wrong,

Although I was feeling hungry,

My stomach felt full,

I needed water to boil for maggi,

So I turned on the faucet,

But then I realized,

Actually,

I had to go to the toilet

'My window'

I look out my window,

At the people beneath,

Running towards their jobs, their homes,

To someone they love,

I thank God above,

I am not like them,

But then I ask him 'why?',

Of all the things in the world,

My thing is caught in my fly

'The dinner'

The night was going well,

and the dinner was fine,

I had champagne,

And the chicken was all mine,

Soaking in all the fun,

Nice girls I met,

The music was rock and rolling,

But then, I heard something,

And it was my stomach growling,

Holding on to the chicken which still smelt great,

I rushed my legs towards the toilet

Well, me and my friend are still unsure how the girl would have reacted to the poem (because she has still not responded), but I am pretty sure she would have liked it. Who doesn't like a poem about everyday stuff?

The friend that I am mentioning happens to be my ex-room mate with whom I spent four years of engineering college. More about him later.......

Born under a bad sign

"Oh, Life, you never introduced me to Lady Luck,

But you always remember me when you need someone to fuck"

The above two lines sum up the essence of my tryst with luck. I have never been lucky, plain and simple. Never has it been written on one of those coupons you get when you buy 10 bags of potato chips that "Congratulations!! You have won a car." All I ever get is a measly 2 bucks off on the next bag of chips I purchase. 2 bucks!!!? Hey, frito-lay people, I spent a 100 bucks buying potato chips, and all I get are 2 bucks? How about a night on the Victoria Secret's yacht? I ate your god damned chips, didn't I?

And no matter how much I wished, never have I gotten a railway seat next to a pretty girl. Have you ever been in a situation where the seat next to you in a bus is the last one empty, and a nice girl climbs on and your heart starts racing that today is gonna be my lucky day? I am pretty sure that in your case, the girl would be sitting next to you in the next few moments. But not in my case, no. God likes to tease me now and then, fuck that...he likes to tease me every moment of my life. In my case, the girl would be followed by an old woman, with bad breath and a butt the size of your new 42 inch plasma tv. "Beta, yeh seat khaali hai?" For once, I would like to say, "Seat dekhte hi PT Usha ki tarah bhag sakte ho. 10 minute khade hokar travel nahi kar sakte" And while this conversation with dadima is going on, the conductor would have courteously offered the hot girl his seat. Go ahead, you sonofabitch, you ain't gonna get nothing from her, except a "Thankyou, bhaisaheb"

Luck has never favoured me. Not in my professional life, and never in my personal life. They say that opportunity knocks on your door, but temptation leans on it. Well, if opportunity could somehow take time to walk up to my door, couldn't it just kick temptation's butt and come in? I wish God had a representative in every country. Someone you could walk up to(or maybe write to) and ask, "How much would it cost to shine the light of luck in my direction every now and then, eh?" Yeah, I would try to bribe God's representative. How much would he want? 50 bucks, a 100? 500? I would sell some of blood and bribe him. Him/her, whoever.

One might say that I am cribbing a lot. Actually, I am not. I am just wondering why for some people everything seems to go the right way, while for others, every turn is a wrong one. I know it is not hard work. Unlucky people work hard too. They have to, to balance out all the misfortunes coming their way. I am wondering why the seat next to me is never occupied by a hot girl. I am wondering why of all the seats empty in the bus, the dadima prefers to seat next to me. I am wondering why there is power cut every time the fashion channel is showing a lingerie event. I am wondering why a nearly empty bus follows after I have just climbed in a crowded bus where you have to hang on to a window.

Actually, the reason I am thinking about luck is that I need lots of it. Its said that success is 95% perspiration and 5% luck. Perspire, I cannot. I am a lazy bum. I might appear to be very busy, but actually I am not. So, with the placement season coming up, luck is all I can bank on. So, please God, if there is one, grant me one day's luck and get me a good job and I promise you I would stop cribbing. (Fingers crossed)

Beginnings (of a new year)

"Happy new year!!", screamed my friend on the phone. "Yeah, Happy new year to you too", I replied. Happy new fucking year, I thought. "So man, what's up?", he asked cheerfully. Why is everyone so happy on new year's day? The morning's the same, your daily routine doesn't change much, your life isn't going to undergo any drastic changes just because of a change in the date on the calender. "Nothing much. Got classes to attend. Got a report to finish.", I said. When would this guy hang up, I thought. Why do you have to pretend you are happy about a new year when you know that pretty much the same old shit is gonna happen to you afresh. I think he caught the boredom in my voice. "Yeah, I have to rush to office too. Catch you later", were his final words before hanging up.

So, lets see, I thought and I looked around my room. Yup.....the dream I had of waking up somewhere else hadn't come true. The same old walls stared back at me, same old clothes hung from the pegs of my door,  and the clock screamed at me to ready myself for the same old routine of classes and assignments. But then a look at the time table told me that some good fortune had passed my way. I was saved from the grind of classes that day because of some fortunate choice of subjects. Yes.....this is my lucky day (one out of the 9000 I had lived so far), I thought and went back to bed.

2010 was upon me, as it was upon the rest of the world. I would become a 'Rural Manager' this year, I would (hopefully) get placed in some job with a 20 grand salary and I would finally leave this place I had been in since the last two years. I would bid farewell to my friends and hope to see them again some time in the future, or maybe not. There were going to be some new things happening in my life, but would they be happy things, I wasn't sure. When new year hadn't been happy for the past 25 years, why would this one be?

The phone rang. "Happy new year!!", screamed another friend. If only I could get my hands on him, I would have wrung out all the happiness from him, but alas, wishes don't come true in my case, as I had found out earlier. Isn't it easy and fun wishing a happy new year to people you know are going through a worse phase in life than you? The same people had predicted that good things would happen to me in 2009, that I would get thin, that I would finally find my calling, that I would find a girl who would be big hearted enough to tolerate me, that my M.Tech degree would finally be of some value. One year hence, these people are still wishing me pretty much the same things.

Apart from my birthday, new year's day is the second worst day I hate. Having gone through 12 months of misery, depression and unfortunate things, New Year's day reminds that you that the same old dates are going to be repeated again, albeit with new misfortunes coming your way. If only there were a break between the two years. Just two days.....with no dates. When you can do anything you like and society wouldn't frown upon you, when your friends wouldn't get hurt by things you say, when your parents wouldn't mind the stuff you would do, and when the long arms of law wouldn't reach out to catch you. Yeah, I would look forward to those two days. I would sleep through the day, drink through the night, I would pee anywhere I want to, I would scream bloody murder at any person I want to, and would spend my day with the music of Jimi Hendrix and some good old grass accompanying me.

My eyes open, I hope that my wish had come true at least this one fucking time. Yeah, and cars could be run on water.

The phone rings. I pick it up. "Happy new year!!", screams another friend......

Manic depression

Ever had the feeling of rising in the air like a helium filled balloon and reaching that point in sky where you can just reach out and touch the clouds? When it gets so cold that even if you jump in a fire, it wouldn't warm your extremities. When in the very next instant you are sitting at the wheels of a formula 1 car, racing among the traffic and squishing any life form that comes in your way. The sweat pours out your body as if you are racing against Death, but you know that any time Death would grip you by the neck and throw you into Hell, where you belong.

The lights were dim, Jimi Hendrix was playing in the background and my stomach was filled with butterflies that today was the day. The first joint was passed around without any effect, but the second one hit me like a hammer on my face. It started with a swirling feeling around my legs which slowly encompassed my entire body. Having no prior weed experience, I wasn't sure it was working. But then, nirvana..............

When it took an entire hold on me, a part of me wanted out. A part of me wanted to turn back time and hope that I never had tried the stuff. But it was a very small part. The rest of me didn't want the 'high' to stop. One moment I was flying through the air driven by the energy of Jimi Hendrix's music which now had total control over me. The next, I was free falling into the seat of a Ferrari race car. I could see my friends laughing uncontrollably at something only they found funny. I wished I could laugh too. The smoke in the room was going around in circles, enticing me to try more, just one more drag and one after it. I wanted to tell my friends that I was thirsty, that my throat was parched, begging for water to cool it down. But moving my tongue to form the words required too much effort.

And suddenly everything was on fast forward mode. I had to adjust my body to the new speed with which the world was moving. One of us had already passed out. Lucky bastard, I thought. The other was swinging his head to the tunes of "All Along the Watchtower". I think Jimi Hendrix was psychic. He knew which notes to hit to reach the inner most parts of your brain, the ones activated only by taking a joint.

I had to stand up. God, something had gotten stuck in my throat. I think it was ash from the joint we were smoking. I could picture it lodged there, dehydrating my throat and blocking the air from reaching my lungs. I had to stand up. I had to drink some water. I had to stand up. "Hey man, I am going to stand up", I told my friend. Yeah, sounded in my head like Hitler declaring that the Jews would be exterminated. So, I finally stood up. Nothing exciting. But the first step I took, the room spinned. The clouds were back. It was like walking in neck deep water. But the world was in fast mode. I had to walk fast too to walk with the usual speed.

The next task was to reach my room without bumping in to anyone. A look here, a look there and I was off. Reached my place in record time. Water, I need some god damned water to push the ash particle down my throat. Would it work? Would I be free of this fucked up thing lodged in my windpipe? Nah. After drinking some thousand gallons of water, I gave up. Brushing my teeth...yeah, that might work, or puking. Let me try brushing first, I thought. So, finally I puked. I puked out all the food I had had the entire day. Food that was supposed to get digested and give me energy was now coming out my mouth. Fuck you, Jimi!!! Fuck you all along the watchtower. Yup, I was pretty sure I was gonna die. The autopsy would reveal the source of my death, putting my family to shame. I would rot in Hell for eternity with Satan and his minions sodomising me round the clock. Fuck you Jimi!!!

God, I prayed, if ever I were to wake up alive in the morning, I promise you I would never take any intoxicants again. Just free me from the pain engulfing me. My eyes close. I love you, Jimi.....